Here I am
Hiding in full sight
Hiding from the monsters
Who inhabit my night
And I am a monster
A snake in the grass
And I wear a mask
Transparent as glass.
Monday 19 July 2010
Thursday 8 July 2010
Child Abuse.
I was just listening to the news on R4 where they were explaining how the GP in the Baby Peter case has been struck off for not noticing that his mother and her boyfriend were killing him.
News items like this bring on my PTSD.
Myself my sister and my brothers regularly went to school with bruises and cuts on our arms, legs and faces which must have been fairly fucking obvious.
No-one ever said a word.
When we were changing for PE lessons there were times when we were a mass of bruises from calf to neck from my father's use of his fists, belt and pieces of stick or wood.
Nothing was said.
The NSPCC and Social Services were involved with the family and between them they managed to do nothing.
Doctors? They did a magnificent nothing to keep neck and neck with the voluntary organisations and the statutory.
No wonder I'm fucked up.
Still, as the cockney geezers down here in London say, Yer gotta larf, innit!
News items like this bring on my PTSD.
Myself my sister and my brothers regularly went to school with bruises and cuts on our arms, legs and faces which must have been fairly fucking obvious.
No-one ever said a word.
When we were changing for PE lessons there were times when we were a mass of bruises from calf to neck from my father's use of his fists, belt and pieces of stick or wood.
Nothing was said.
The NSPCC and Social Services were involved with the family and between them they managed to do nothing.
Doctors? They did a magnificent nothing to keep neck and neck with the voluntary organisations and the statutory.
No wonder I'm fucked up.
Still, as the cockney geezers down here in London say, Yer gotta larf, innit!
Saturday 26 June 2010
The Adventures of John Daker.
I have terrible dreams. My life is very ordinary and dull but I have terrible dreams. I’m glad I can’t remember them. Terrible but unmemorable. Story of my fucking life; a parable of non-personality.
This morning I woke up and listened to the radio for an hour before getting up to take my tablets with a cup of coffee. I drank the coffee in bed whilst completing a crossword. And reading a book. And listening to the radio.
At 2 o’clock I had lunch. I microwaved the remains of yesterday’s dinner. Living on my own I always cook enough for two or three meals and have to eat the same thing over and over again. Sometimes I remember to freeze things so I can have a bit of variety. Sometimes I don’t eat. I’m grown up and I can do whatever the hell I want. I make the rules in my castle.
I spent the afternoon doing crosswords. And reading. And listening to the radio. In bed.
About eight I had a pizza. I ate it in bed.
Then I read. And listened to the radio. And did crosswords. I thought about having a bath but couldn’t be bothered.
At 10 I tuned my guitar but didn’t play it due to an ongoing lack of real interest.
Apart from visits to the loo and kitchen I didn’t leave my bedroom all day. I have a nice front room but didn’t go there. Perhaps it will disappear. Things do sometimes. And people. Or perhaps it’s me who’s disappearing. Would anyone notice? Would I? I haven’t had any visitors for ten days and it’s two weeks since I went out/ Except to the shop. I don’t suppose the people at the shop would notice if I disappeared.
Then it’s 4 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep and I’m wondering if I’ve disappeared. I think about all the interesting and exciting things I could have done today; fuck it! I like staying in bed. Except when I have terrible dreams. I don’t like them.
I don’t like much to be honest. Can’t stand people; hate the ones I know and despise the one’s I’ve been lucky enough not to meet yet. Loathe the world utterly. I wish I could avoid going to the shop. It’s nice in here. Except for the terrible dreaming.
This morning I woke up and listened to the radio for an hour before getting up to take my tablets with a cup of coffee. I drank the coffee in bed whilst completing a crossword. And reading a book. And listening to the radio.
At 2 o’clock I had lunch. I microwaved the remains of yesterday’s dinner. Living on my own I always cook enough for two or three meals and have to eat the same thing over and over again. Sometimes I remember to freeze things so I can have a bit of variety. Sometimes I don’t eat. I’m grown up and I can do whatever the hell I want. I make the rules in my castle.
I spent the afternoon doing crosswords. And reading. And listening to the radio. In bed.
About eight I had a pizza. I ate it in bed.
Then I read. And listened to the radio. And did crosswords. I thought about having a bath but couldn’t be bothered.
At 10 I tuned my guitar but didn’t play it due to an ongoing lack of real interest.
Apart from visits to the loo and kitchen I didn’t leave my bedroom all day. I have a nice front room but didn’t go there. Perhaps it will disappear. Things do sometimes. And people. Or perhaps it’s me who’s disappearing. Would anyone notice? Would I? I haven’t had any visitors for ten days and it’s two weeks since I went out/ Except to the shop. I don’t suppose the people at the shop would notice if I disappeared.
Then it’s 4 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep and I’m wondering if I’ve disappeared. I think about all the interesting and exciting things I could have done today; fuck it! I like staying in bed. Except when I have terrible dreams. I don’t like them.
I don’t like much to be honest. Can’t stand people; hate the ones I know and despise the one’s I’ve been lucky enough not to meet yet. Loathe the world utterly. I wish I could avoid going to the shop. It’s nice in here. Except for the terrible dreaming.
Tuesday 22 June 2010
Drugs.
After two years of heavy pain relief medication I'm starting to realise how I've been affected. Although I cut down six months ago, and now rarely take any at all, I continue to feel depressed, stressed and slow. It's mainly the slowness that's bothering me. I want to do things but it's difficult to work up any motivation. I decide to take action and then spend hours (and sometimes days) pondering all the possibilities before actually doing anything; that's if I actually do anything at all.
Luckily I've had no problems coming off the medication. I know people on the same, or similar, meds who've been taking them for much longer than me and they seem to suffer the same demotivation without any of the pleasant side effects that I enjoy so much.
I'd be quite happy to be totally free of pharmaceutical supports but unfortunately I have to continue taking the shit for my heart and I will never be without a need for pain relief thanks to various problems with my pelvis and spine. i appreciate the effects of the medication but I loathe the side effects.
Drugs should be fun.
Luckily I've had no problems coming off the medication. I know people on the same, or similar, meds who've been taking them for much longer than me and they seem to suffer the same demotivation without any of the pleasant side effects that I enjoy so much.
I'd be quite happy to be totally free of pharmaceutical supports but unfortunately I have to continue taking the shit for my heart and I will never be without a need for pain relief thanks to various problems with my pelvis and spine. i appreciate the effects of the medication but I loathe the side effects.
Drugs should be fun.
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