The Adventures of John Daker.

I have terrible dreams. My life is very ordinary and dull but I have terrible dreams. I’m glad I can’t remember them. Terrible but unmemorable. Story of my fucking life; a parable of non-personality.

This morning I woke up and listened to the radio for an hour before getting up to take my tablets with a cup of coffee. I drank the coffee in bed whilst completing a crossword. And reading a book. And listening to the radio.

At 2 o’clock I had lunch. I microwaved the remains of yesterday’s dinner. Living on my own I always cook enough for two or three meals and have to eat the same thing over and over again. Sometimes I remember to freeze things so I can have a bit of variety. Sometimes I don’t eat. I’m grown up and I can do whatever the hell I want. I make the rules in my castle.

I spent the afternoon doing crosswords. And reading. And listening to the radio. In bed.

About eight I had a pizza. I ate it in bed.

Then I read. And listened to the radio. And did crosswords. I thought about having a bath but couldn’t be bothered.

At 10 I tuned my guitar but didn’t play it due to an ongoing lack of real interest.

Apart from visits to the loo and kitchen I didn’t leave my bedroom all day. I have a nice front room but didn’t go there. Perhaps it will disappear. Things do sometimes. And people. Or perhaps it’s me who’s disappearing. Would anyone notice? Would I? I haven’t had any visitors for ten days and it’s two weeks since I went out/ Except to the shop. I don’t suppose the people at the shop would notice if I disappeared.

Then it’s 4 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep and I’m wondering if I’ve disappeared. I think about all the interesting and exciting things I could have done today; fuck it! I like staying in bed. Except when I have terrible dreams. I don’t like them.

I don’t like much to be honest. Can’t stand people; hate the ones I know and despise the one’s I’ve been lucky enough not to meet yet. Loathe the world utterly. I wish I could avoid going to the shop. It’s nice in here. Except for the terrible dreaming.

Drugs.

After two years of heavy pain relief medication I'm starting to realise how I've been affected. Although I cut down six months ago, and now rarely take any at all, I continue to feel depressed, stressed and slow. It's mainly the slowness that's bothering me. I want to do things but it's difficult to work up any motivation. I decide to take action and then spend hours (and sometimes days) pondering all the possibilities before actually doing anything; that's if I actually do anything at all.

Luckily I've had no problems coming off the medication. I know people on the same, or similar, meds who've been taking them for much longer than me and they seem to suffer the same demotivation without any of the pleasant side effects that I enjoy so much.

I'd be quite happy to be totally free of pharmaceutical supports but unfortunately I have to continue taking the shit for my heart and I will never be without a need for pain relief thanks to various problems with my pelvis and spine. i appreciate the effects of the medication but I loathe the side effects.

Drugs should be fun.